Friday, July 3, 2009

Fear stinks...0

I contemplating not writing on this blog even though I was somewhere with internet availability... but then I thought... why not? People should know what its like... the feelings we deal with are the same things others deal with.... right? I did at least temper my title... it was gonna use a much stronger word... lol...
So... why wouldn't I write? I'm pretty emotional at the moment... in fact, enough so that I finally hit my personal wall today....
I've been thinking a lot about fears lately... how everyone has them and it's just what we do with them (either participate in the fear or leave it in God's hands)... but of course understanding this and practicing this is always two seperate things right? Especially because fear likes to sneak in when we are down and tired... just plain exhausted.... I've actually been struggling with little fears here and there, but have always been able to give them to God... but then with the move, the sale of our house, packing, figuring out vehicles, figuring out back and forths, etc... it just got worse. We transferred our stuff out to Kihan this week... I won't go into it, just to say it was QUITE the ordeal getting it all over the river (which is currently running high)... I almost didn't end up going since I have a continuity that had been having preruns at labor... but finally headed out (the decision that I was going wasn't made till 5:40 am...we left at 7)...
There is currently no water on in the area of the village we are living in due to a broken pipe from the resevoir... which meant for a LOT of water hauling, the guys worked till late trying to get the sink put together, a bug flew in my ear and woke me up (it was freaky), couldn't sleep after that, chickens crowed all night, Brian woke up throwing up, Joziah at one point the next day was so constipated he couldnt' stand up straight, figuring out w/ village kids what the rules will be with the kids bikes (imagine 200plus kids wanting to ride 6 bikes)!.... Went shopping at the market in the nearest city, got food for the gang, washed clothes by hand, set up furniture, said goodbyes and headed back to the city.... I arrived in Davao a little after 10pm... got keys to my house, headed inside, checked on things, sat down to check email... got a text from my continuity saying she was headed to Mercy in labor... tried to get the motorcycle over the narrow board over the sewer... almost dropped the bike in the sewer, pulled a muscle in my leg pulling with all my might so it wouldn't fall in (I'm not sure if I would have gone fishing)... Decided to walk to work (it's late...) Arrive after my gal and check her in... 3 cm... but high BP... we worked on that and she finally went home a bit before 1am... I decided to sleep at the dorm since it was closer... listened to the hustle and bustle of the clinic all night (you can hear EVERYTHING).... got a text at 5am from my cont coming back... Checked her in... 5-6cm... but very high BP now... IV inserted, changed positions, finally BP came down... Lots more intesting issues I won't go into about the labor... finally transported at 4pm.... she still 6cm... can barely walk from my leg hurting (both from the strained muscle and the nice blood clot from the traveling)... trying to work on paperwork for the sale of our house... watching my dog who is starting to look like maybe HER labor is beginning! Still need to feed animals and SLEEP!

Really... I was at a point today of letting fear overwhelm me... fear for the safety of my kids (like somehow me being there would protect them), fears of not being enough, of not 'getting it right', of ..... etc....etc.... To top it off Joe also had a rough day taking the kids to town to run errands... I know in my head that it's all just temporary and new... but it still stinks...
But then I sat here and started just praying... praying that God would take my fears and turn them for his glory... that people could see HIM through our daily lives... Cause really... let's be honest... sometime LIFE SUCKS!.... but you know what? GOD is ALWAYS good.... ALL the time! And best of all... even when we feel down and depressed and like quitting... all we have to do is ask for that peace and then sit still and wait... it comes like a gentle breeze.... feel it??... I do!

1 comment:

  1. Your post encouraged me today. Different kind of rough, but it's all the same answer - God! Thanks for laying it all out there and being such a good example!

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